Its a Monday. I usually really love Mondays. I love the fresh starts, clean slates, new weeks, all the things. But I'm not kidding when I say that today was a long week. We have gone through it all. We started out great, we got lazy and crashed, we started out school work pretty nicely and then I'm not really sure what happened but some how by the time we got to question #5 in our workbook - which was something like 28x3 - it just TOTALLY fell apart. I'm not going to go into it completely, but it was a melt down of epic proportions. Like we haven't had (thanks to Thrive an Prozac) in a REALLY long time. It was awful. And the worst is that I honestly don't even know WHY. I don't know what the trigger was. Skipping the gorey details, we cried and screamed and fell on the floor, sobbed in our beds, threatened every threat in the book and finally cried the "Please Jesus help me" prayer. I don't know why thats always the last resort when things are crashing, maybe I feel like I can just handle all the things myself and that we don't need an intervention until its REALLY bad...but that cry out is always like throwing water on the flames.
I put us in the car and told the girls that we needed a reset. We went to Starbucks. I told them that in no way was this a treat or a reward. It was that we needed to get out of the house and start over. We needed to accept each others apologies, get our drinks and by the time we got home it was going to be over. Lu tends to dwell on things (so do I honestly, but she REALLY does) but even she understood that we needed to let it go.
The biggest problem I had today, and am still having which is why I needed to vent write, is that I feel like a total failure and fraud. I feel like I am doing the girls a massive disservice. I'm torn with our decision to homeschool. In my heart I REALLY feel like this is the right choice for us. For their health mentally, emotionally AND physically, for their souls...but then on days like today when they won't listen, when they are freaking out over multiplication that I KNOW she can do, and it just seems like we are spending way way WAY too much time together, I feel like this is not a good choice. That we need to just send them back to school and then they will be happy, someone else will be responsible for their education, I will have the time I need to dedicate myself to The Pretty Crazies WORK stuff that isn't getting done and we will miss each other so we'll be happy to see each other when they get back from school. I mean honestly, I'm NOT a teacher. I NEVER imagined myself homeschooling. Vi and I are SO much a like that its either amazing or awful and Lu has her own set of legitimate special needs. I feel like I have all these big plans and goals and dreams for the band and our mission in general, but I am lacking the time (and in some cases the actual skills) to make them what they should and could be and it ends with me putting out inferior "products" that make all my insecurities flare up. I "preach" all the time that we are all created with special gifts and purposes and talents and that we need to use these things in our own little way to make differences...but today I just feel like I am sucking at that. Like I'm biting off more than I can chew and its too much and I should just stop. I should just focus on one thing at a time. Like SERIOUSLY. Who has time for this?!?!? What on earth am I trying to do here...homeschooling, band, productions, blogs and books, momming and wife-ing...trying to keep my house standing and my family fed and happy???? Every single one of these things is a full time job. I have ALWAYS felt like I was a "jack of all trades, master of none" person.
I usually like to wrap these blog posts up with a "fix". How I came to this epiphany and how everything is going to be okay. I'm not sure I have that today. I am hanging on for dear life. I need some peace and quiet, maybe a mentor. I really don't know. I'm trying so hard to listen. Its hard to listen when there is constant noise. Barking, screaming, piano playing....I just don't know. I WILL try to end this on a positive note...no one wants to read some depressing blah thing. I know that when I just say "Jesus", he hears me. I know he sees me. I know there are good days and bad days regardless of how much you pray. I know we will get through it all. Its just that I don't know what to do NOW. I feel like going forward in mediocrity is not the right choice. That doing it all just to say I'm doing it isn't right. Right? Do I just ignore that feeling of "not good enough" and keep pressing on, choosing to believe that "unschooling" IS hard but that it is worth it, that people ARE being influenced for the better by the things that we are doing with The Pretty Crazies, that people who listened to our songs on the radio on Saturday weren't thinking "why on earth would that girl release that song when she was flat on that one part" and instead will hear the message behind the imperfections and will feel inspired. That my kids know that they are loved and that they have parents who will do everything in their power to keep them safe and happy...and that they ARE learning things despite my lack of teaching skills.
I am so grateful for my husband who is totally my opposite. He is a rock and my calming influence. I am grateful that at least I have energy (thanks Thrive) to BE crazy and not catatonic in bed. I'm (starting to feel better now...hahaha!!) thankful for the gift of being able to CHOOSE what to do with all of this. I have the ability to stay at home with my Crazies and indulge my artistic whims. I DID at least make it through high school so yes I am totally qualified to help 1st and 4th graders.
Okay. So this helped. If you read this, thank you. Seriously. This is another example of the things that I just kinda "do" with out really thinking too much about them - and I wonder where Vianna gets it...sigh. Maybe you can relate? Maybe you think I'm crazier than ever! But thank you anyway for indulging my thoughts.
Tomorrow is another day. Stay tuned!